Hold on

Now I can assure you I will write something you haven't heard about,

Things that you haven't yet touched or seen,

Moments you haven't lived or believed in,

Or maybe moments that didn't move you from within,

I can assure you there's a lot to look forward to,

A rising sun, or a setting one beyond the purple clouds,

Or maybe someone who will make you question everything,

Or just a little change you made to find yourself,

All the efforts that you increasingly stretched out,

Hoping to find meaning behind your drive,

Maybe praying for a different outcome each time,

But it only alludes you because you aren't honest with yourself,

Hold on and just live in the here and right now,

My friend, the darkness is just a prologue to Light,

Everything is temporary till it's made permanent,

And permanent might seem like an epilogue but it really is just an illusion.

dear love

Dear future love,

please bear with me,

there is still pain from the past,

there are hidden places that still hurt,

it is not out of some forgotten love,

rather the feeling of some misplaced guilt.

Dear future love,

my love is sure and overflowing,

it is cosmic like the dance of burning stars,

it is honest and pure,

it is a poem written only for you,

my love is beyond reproach,

as deep as both our souls.

Dear future love,

I am a thousand souls spilling out,

a fighter with scars from a past life,

my walls covered in mistakes I made,

maybe some shame and regret here and there,

but I've learnt to forgive and forget,

redemption is for survivors after all.

Dear future love,

read this love letter with a simple rationality,

maybe a little compassion and empathy,

unsaid words sometimes pour out of me,

because these are the words I will never speak,

maybe this letter is more for me than you,

all I know is PS: I love you. 

words he could not say

Hey empathy,

Have you heard about the boy who cries alone?

He tries but his insides are hollow,

Engulfed in a darkness that pulls from below,

As if the earth itself wants his soul,

As if hell heard his call and opened it's doors,

In his dreams he runs down an empty hall,

Iooking for doors that will lead him home,

An aching body and burning breath,

He is in the wrong place all along.

Hey mercy,

Have you heard about the boy who prays?

He's on his knees wondering what is wrong,

There is a painless pain around his shoulders,

An invisible enemy that creeps in the dark,

It hisses when the boy unwittingly laughs,

A decay in Place or is it the rotting Time,

Or is it in moments that have passed by,

An aching body stuck in limbo,

In a stillest storm and nowhere to go.

Hey truth,

Have you locked eyes with him yet?

Does he see the prison he himself built?

I'm a reader

I'm a reader

A reader of hidden footnotes

I read between the lines

I read above them

I read around them

Sometimes I even read the unwritten,

I read your laugh

And that quiver of your lips

The smile lines

Mostly I read your eyes,

And then I read what's not there

The hopefulness of my voice  

I read my intrusive thoughts

I read the readiness of my soul

I'm a reader

I mostly read love letters I never got.

a good hope

I'm stuck in many ways

In time, and in moments, and in scenes

Scenes that were well thought out 

Honesty has opened all the seams 

All the seams that were holding the yearning

Things I want to say to you

Things I would say to myself in secret

Things we don't say out loud as people

Because lines don't line up

Because lines don't find the love

The love that fate laid out 

And in this unfound love I'm trying to find empathy

But empathy does not need purpose

Still I need it to save me from this belief

One that I have set for myself

It's like the moon that does not disappoint

The moon wallowing in it's glory for lovers

The moon not knowing it's purpose

Because I have to ask if it isn't only meant for lovers

Like the wind playing with the hairs

Singing a song that makes you believe

But the wind also weakens with seasons 

Like love being questioned with time

So I ask how strong is your love

If it's love then where is the struggle

Because that's the currency I'm forced to accept

Because love that's easy is overlooked

Love that's free has a price

And I don't want to overlook anymore

An easy love is all I ask for 

A wind that's only speaking my name

A moon that holds my name. 

wishful thinking

the frantic crickets under the floor boards

and the white noise pressing around

there's a warm whispering in the distance

maybe someone making love so pure.

there's a breeze trying to leave this room

a tryst with the wayward wind outside

to escape to places anywhere but here

where even the stagnant air violently breathes.

the body vainly waits for the soul to return

from all it's wandering and it's yearning

each night chasing a notion to it's precipice 

growing desperate but never really tired.

despite all this haze and inspissating fog

there's a shred of sensibility without any sense 

because what is reality but a life devoid of hope

where the soul finds the body but not a home. 

 

reminding myself

I find myself writing about love again

But it's not the same searching like before

It's not the same longing to hold

It's not the same yearning for warmth

Now there's an hollowness woven into it

It's an empty shell thrown into the world

Chasing any feeling to feel something

Wanting to love for the sake of loving 

A desperation born not out of loneliness

But the terror of an increscent apathy

The numbness and coldness of my body

And an utter revulsion towards sincerity

I'm writing about love to forget the hate

I'm writing about love to forget the disdain

I'm writing about love to remember what I lost

I'm writing about love to remember who I once was.

first steps

First step to falling asleep

Is to fight to stay awake

First step to grieving

Is to let all the hurt in  

First step to healing

Is to find out where you got lost

First step to going back to basics

Is to remember where it all began.

I've been at the starting point

And then suddenly at the end

The journey is all lost somewhere

The people in it are all blurred

All the mistakes made are burnt

All the lessons learnt forgotten

First step towards starting afresh 

Is to first find the reason as to why.

it's not about love

Did you not feel,

Did you not like my soul,

It's not about love,

Because love is earned,

But did you not want to move when I moved,

Were you not able to speak words for me,

Did you not stare at your drink and wonder,

If I'm lying bare with someone new,

Someone who exists for these few seconds,

Few seconds because they are trying,

And as I come it's only you in my head,

And my heart remained where it belonged,

I wonder if I'm enjoying this freedom,

Freedom born out of stubbornness,

I wonder if I am stalling a heartbreak,

I wonder if I'm denying one that has already come to pass. 

already grieving you

I'm fighting for you,

Yes you! over there,

Mostly fighting for you!

Because I know my heart,

Where it beats and it's longing,

Where it goes quiet,

The two seconds of silence between conversations,

The silence that is so loud,

Longing for an idea,

An idea where I made home,

A home where you stood against the light,

I saw why I needed it,

No one sees that anymore,

No one lives in this glow,

The glow of consequent love,

The glow of all the mistakes that we can right,

And here I am,

Fighting myself to be right,

To love you beyond your ego,

Here I'm loving you beyond your pride,

Maybe this will pass,

Maybe I'll grieve you like any other funeral,

Maybe you are another body under ground,

A love lost and a love learned,

And here I'm asking myself,

How many shall I bury,

How much should I feel,

How much should I fight,

What waters should I cross,

Waters that are clear with love,

Waters that flood when love finds home,

A love that drowns me and you,

The breathlessness of a dive we didn't forsee,

But here I'm loving,

Here I'm breathless but not drowning,

With so much to give and yet so much to forget,

Because forgetting comes so easy,

But holding on comes so hard.

strange love

The train left the platform,

I wonder if I should've got on,

I'm not walking straight,

Am I thinking straight?

I'm breathing down the night,

Soaking in the past scenes,

Asking why my nights have a pattern,

Hey, shhhh, it's not new,

We are all poets,

Waiting to be interrogated,

Over staying our welcome,

Forgetting all the last lines,

But What am I trying forget?

Or am I trying to remember?

Each face, each gesture, each love,

I'm not disheartened,

Because I'm not looking,

But still expecting, something cosmic,

Because stars are out there,

Flairing red, And then black,

Feeling too much burns away the yearn,

Like too much sun whittles the flowers,

But I'm still here though,

I'm still feeling, walking wobbly,

And my heart is learning,

Learning that the nights are mine,

The nights are free and undeterred,

And when the time comes, I'll love, 

I'll love till my chest bursts,

I'll love till it hurts. 

lost letters

There were lost letters written

And damn how they bled

Your name again and again

As i ran out of paper

the past blew in through my window

my peaceful bedroom air became heavier

Mixed with the whisper of your laugh

Those blue eyes with green in them

Somewhere still buried deep inside

Is the love I've carried everywhere

Into bare houses with dead walls

Hoping to make one a home.

loving tough

The thing about taking chances is that

not everyone will take one on you,

The thing about living with an open heart is that

misery and suffocating pain will stick to it's flesh, 

The thing about wearing your feelings on your sleeve is that

you might not be the exception to the rule,

The thing about deep breaths to find calm is that

sometimes it's just you gasping for air.

docile thoughts

the beauty in being gentle

the power in being tamed

how do you save yourself

when you haven't let yourself live

when does it get easier

when does it stop hurting

how do I even get a win

when i am not even in this race

i have been recognizing foolery

for the distraction it really is

quivering lips are meant for blind men

it's little bit of love but all of it is pain.

accepting defeat

Ever fought a losing war,

the bodies of red and dirt

with the rain burning holes in the armour

the hillsides turning into mountains

but yet the will to run towards the pain

the hope for a clean end

the feeling that you left your soul behind

and the chest being pulled inwards

Ever fought a losing war,

the mist is colored with lost feelings

where the snowflakes never reach the ground

his voice is a million miles south

the sun holds a brief memory within

the air is heavy with a lamenting din

the feet sinking into what could have been

a different story of shame and guilt

Ever fought a losing war,

A tale of false hope and all the love lost. 

it's going to be alright

I know I choose to go there

Yes, somewhere i choose the relentless breaking

A drop in the gut on a tune long lost

Clenching fists to stop what I've set in motion

Even the air in the room seems to be thinning

The stars looking inside my window laugh

There she goes again with her leaden heart

Choosing the hurt to feel something

Doesn't she know she's human

Now the demons lurking in the corner smile

'we hear the heartbeat, love'

It's a pitiful sight with my wet pillows

The languish and the ache are tangible

The pain radiating in waves like blood letting,

It's over, it's passed, it going to be alright. 

mother

I'm my mother they said,

Expecting me to accept,

Fierce and terrible i could be,

Beautiful and gentle in her image,

There are no sacrifices I made,

Or quietly accepted my fate,

Neither have I dealt in compromises,

Nor have I smiled through my pain,

I've no son who fights his demons,

Or a husband who is a prisoner to some,

No daughter who is a caged free bird,

A family at the mercy of prayers,

How can I be my soldier mother?

A woman whose dreams are left unanswered,.

Who holds the last barricade against our rebellion,

She is everything and the silence before the storm. 

When do we stop trying?

Hey, I've stayed up this late,

to think back on those times,

about those Kennedy songs where birds found home,

and the M83 ones in which you were a king,

Hey, here I am thinking about the 'now',

and this might be my last verse for you,

because I'm not as torn as I want to be,

and honestly I really do want to be torn,

I know pain when I watch my chest being cut open,

the memories squeezing all the love, regret and shame out,

Hey, I had that look of longing and pain,

when I heard a song about finding someone like you,

everything blurred out and people became faces,

and in this circus I made empty promises to myself,

In that moment of chaos and silence came a sense of clarity,

I learned that pain is felt in the knowing of one's worth,

When what you expect is reduced to knowing what you deserve,

Hey, I know your love is what I deserved,

You gave me nothing less and nothing that I didn't need,

What was, is what is, and what should have been, is what was,

I watch my life run past me begging me to wake me up,

I hear it and yet deny it, how juvenile,

Hey wake up! Are you listening soul?

When do we stop trying?

looking for heart

Tonight the moon lights the way,

Like a melting pearl in the dark sea,

Streaks of indigo and purple lace,

With a halo of glistening misty rings,

Silent are the leaves under the feet,

The wind does not wake them up,

It only whispers an old wistful story,

About a soul stretched thin with desire,

The woods are talking of it's yearning,

Not of loss of love but of loss of longing,

They say it's heart stopped beating,

They felt it seeking for hope in the darkness.

breaking away

Did you break away from your genes?

Unapologetically smiling, a sense of relief?

ode to self

Promises upon the stars,

I'd try to let the rain soak my skin,

Maybe greet the leaves on the ground,

The flowers on the trees alike,

Each breath of air for new life,

Maybe notice the sun on my palms,

Smile at the moon before it gets dark,

Let the memories of the past slowly fade.

Hold hands with warm laughing strangers,

Open my heart even if it hurts,

Maybe that's the key to the room of Pain,

Treat it like a friend who wrote lost letters,

Open them each to let the words burn,

As pain looks upon me and smiles.

I embrace it as it turns into the westward wind,

Maybe this wind is all our pains together,

Comforting and holding each other,

As it blows away it lifts me up,

It says there's still some work to be done.

Read every verse of the letters you hid,

A lifetime it might take to open all doors,

Some filled with pain and some with joy,

You will only know if you let love in.