reminding myself

I find myself writing about love again

But it's not the same searching like before

It's not the same longing to hold

It's not the same yearning for warmth

Now there's an hollowness woven into it

It's an empty shell thrown into the world

Chasing any feeling to feel something

Wanting to love for the sake of loving 

A desperation born not out of loneliness

But the terror of an increscent apathy

The numbness and coldness of my body

And an utter revulsion towards sincerity

I'm writing about love to forget the hate

I'm writing about love to forget the disdain

I'm writing about love to remember what I lost

I'm writing about love to remember who I once was.

first steps

First step to falling asleep

Is to fight to stay awake

First step to grieving

Is to let all the hurt in  

First step to healing

Is to find out where you got lost

First step to going back to basics

Is to remember where it all began.

I've been at the starting point

And then suddenly at the end

The journey is all lost somewhere

The people in it are all blurred

All the mistakes made are burnt

All the lessons learnt forgotten

First step towards starting afresh 

Is to first find the reason as to why.

it's not about love

Did you not feel,

Did you not like my soul,

It's not about love,

Because love is earned,

But did you not want to move when I moved,

Were you not able to speak words for me,

Did you not stare at your drink and wonder,

If I'm lying bare with someone new,

Someone who exists for these few seconds,

Few seconds because they are trying,

And as I come it's only you in my head,

And my heart remained where it belonged,

I wonder if I'm enjoying this freedom,

Freedom born out of stubbornness,

I wonder if I am stalling a heartbreak,

I wonder if I'm denying one that has already come to pass. 

already grieving you

I'm fighting for you,

Yes you! over there,

Mostly fighting for you!

Because I know my heart,

Where it beats and it's longing,

Where it goes quiet,

The two seconds of silence between conversations,

The silence that is so loud,

Longing for an idea,

An idea where I made home,

A home where you stood against the light,

I saw why I needed it,

No one sees that anymore,

No one lives in this glow,

The glow of consequent love,

The glow of all the mistakes that we can right,

And here I am,

Fighting myself to be right,

To love you beyond your ego,

Here I'm loving you beyond your pride,

Maybe this will pass,

Maybe I'll grieve you like any other funeral,

Maybe you are another body under ground,

A love lost and a love learned,

And here I'm asking myself,

How many shall I bury,

How much should I feel,

How much should I fight,

What waters should I cross,

Waters that are clear with love,

Waters that flood when love finds home,

A love that drowns me and you,

The breathlessness of a dive we didn't forsee,

But here I'm loving,

Here I'm breathless but not drowning,

With so much to give and yet so much to forget,

Because forgetting comes so easy,

But holding on comes so hard.