homesickness

I'm afraid to move backwards,

But what if that is the right way?

What if that's the only way to be happy,

To know what was, was always meant to be.

That was the entire reason for it to pass,

For us to feel all of that,

Make home and break it apart,

To poison and still find a cure. 

What if that was love after all,

What if I misunderstood what i needed,

Confused it with what i wanted,

Let time define the theme of our party.

Today i want to run back to the past,

But i have romanticized the future,

The past was beautiful and yet suffocating,

But now it seemed like a fog that's clearing. 

Maybe I just had to give it time?

Maybe i needed to find my way in the dark,

Like you loved me despite my walls,

Like you fought for us even when I didn't. 

I'm afraid to move in the future,

All of the ghosts that will haunt me,

Questions that would not be answered,

Trust that could not be earned.

All that shame that has made home,

That I've proudly owned and accepted, 

but which can not be passed on,

A burden that I've to carry on my own.

Forgive me for breaking beauty,

Because now i know beauty isn't perfect,

It's the dance of two intoxicated souls,

Raw and imperfect but yet so alive. 

I will always love you.