homesickness

I'm afraid to move backwards,

But what if that is the right way?

What if that's the only way to be happy,

To know what was, was always meant to be.

That was the entire reason for it to pass,

For us to feel all of that,

Make home and break it apart,

To poison and still find a cure. 

What if that was love after all,

What if I misunderstood what i needed,

Confused it with what i wanted,

Let time define the theme of our party.

Today i want to run back to the past,

But i have romanticized the future,

The past was beautiful and yet suffocating,

But now it seemed like a fog that's clearing. 

Maybe I just had to give it time?

Maybe i needed to find my way in the dark,

Like you loved me despite my walls,

Like you fought for us even when I didn't. 

I'm afraid to move in the future,

All of the ghosts that will haunt me,

Questions that would not be answered,

Trust that could not be earned.

All that shame that has made home,

That I've proudly owned and accepted, 

but which can not be passed on,

A burden that I've to carry on my own.

Forgive me for breaking beauty,

Because now i know beauty isn't perfect,

It's the dance of two intoxicated souls,

Raw and imperfect but yet so alive. 

I will always love you. 

nature, my savior

We try to fill our lives with the beauty of sunsets, the autumn leaves, sand under our feet, ocean sounds, smell of the earth after the rain, flowers, and anything and everything natural around us, because we can't always find it in our realities.

Not because the frosted window of a car with a smiley face, or a coffee cup on the side of a street, or something as mundane as a hand railing on a bridge, aren't beautiful, but because sometimes the memories attached to them are too painful. They become beacons and reminders of the past life that we try to escape.

We try to erase the beauty of some of those things because their presence becomes overwhelming, never evolving, unmoving, stubborn. While everything natural becomes ethereal, fluid, moments to be filled with new memories, bigger than life occurrences.

So we give ourselves up to the calmness and vastness of nature, and let it lead us to some sort of peace, to drown out the madness of the real world, to make space for memories and things and people. 

We learn to let it go and accept that everywhere we turn, there will always be those markers to remind us of the past.

But slowly take our minds to that safe place where everything cosmic has made it's home, and to gently get lost in it. 

the group for recessive genes

We belong to the stars,

And to the rocks that drift across the empyrean,

And to the mud beneath our feet,

And that body of hot springs,

A feather between the misfits,

Our hearts is the wind and our heads gravity,

We labor to be different,

Yet yearn to fit in,

Breaking away from our genes,

With the strings still pulling on our skin,

Call us cycle breakers or uncaring,

We belong to everything and nothing.

Jump

Indecisions will be the death of us

Neither here, nor there

There was a mind to be made

There was a line to be drawn

A threshold that had to be crossed

There's no going back now

There is nothing to go back to

Just a world made of cheap glass.

I was never afraid,

I just didn't know,

That there was freedom on the other side

I didn't know there was still clear air

That it was easier to see,

Easier to breathe, to move, to sleep,

Just easier to know,

To be free of the unknown. 

i love him, i love him not

I can't get you out of my system,

It feels like a form of betrayal,

It's like cutting myself open,

But finding only emptiness within,

I've let too many others in here,

And i wonder if you will find the space,

Because you won't like it,

You won't like them,

They got in ways that makes the darkest corners weep,

Maybe because they saw the light in me,

But don't they know?

I'm the shadow in the darkness,

It's my truest form,

There is no guilt here,

There are no lies here,

Only a vague sense of shame ever escapes,

The shame you saw and embraced,

The guilt you tried to wipe away,

Is that why i still want you here?

Maybe it's not because i love you,

But because you calmed this pain,

Because you healed these wounds,

Finding your way through this pitch black,

Leaning on my chest in this darkness,

You lived within this tenebrous home, 

choked beneath the weight of it's dusty roof,

I saw you try to break down my walls,

I saw you tame and contain the chaos,

But here I'm smiling at what i see within, 

Embracing this darkness like it's my own kin,

I do still love you, there are no closed doors 

But I can't keep this darkness away from my soul.

state of love

I read about love somewhere,

About the face you see when you see a couple on the street,

The face you see when you want to be comforted,

The first soul you want to see when you are happy,

And then I look around at my reality,

I realize who I am meant to be, 

the real me without a veil of niceties,

The me that makes the wrong choices,

The one who wants to love but looks for it in all the wrong places,

The one that breaks homes and wants the ones they can't have,

The one who almost had the one that was meant to be,

The one with so many 'the ones' and so little time,

And then i think about being lonely,

And then i think about being alone,

And then i think about being alive,

And then i think about surviving,

So many feelings and not enough space,

Breathing is faster and then with time it's easier,

Gently letting go of my inhibitions one by one,

And then it's a whole cycle of self doubt and self love. 

unfeeling

music makes no sense anymore

it has seized to touch my soul

a poker face and a poker heart

i close my eyes and let it pass. 

pause

Have you ever looked in the mirror for too long?

To the point where it has consumed you?

That your being is a cycle of all those voices in your head,

And the person staring back is exhausted of showing up,

You know that face for too long to not look away,

It's intoxicating and yet pulls you in,

It's a wonder how long you have looked into those eyes,

How long you have lived with this soul,

How long you haven't looked up at the sky,

You feel alone but you know you aren't,

But you are living in your head,

No one can see how far you've gone,

How much your Self has consumed you,

To the point of obsession for perfection,

But inside you know it doesn't exist,

But you keep living each day to be that person,

The person in the mirror you put on a pedestal,

And you keep raising the stakes,

The expectations and hopes soar high,

Sky is the limit even when the color is unknown,

You want it all but that person is tired,

The reflection cannot allow pain,

Because you don't let it have it,

Because you can't slow down,

You are caught in a loop,

Of looking into the mirror each day,

And worn down by what you see,

There's nothing new to see but tired eyes,

Because each day you demand more,

And the soul staring back gets weaker and weaker,

It's within you but the truth is clear in the mirror,

You see it age with the burden it didn't ask for,

It wants to sit under a tree and breath,

It wants to look up and feel the breeze,

The sand paper has left marks,

The edges will never be that perfect,

And the reflection begs you to see,

Look in the mirror and feel the pain,

It's so heavy the glass has began to crack,

It's not just the soul anymore but your body as well,

Your face is mangled because the pain has seeped into your bones,

The cycle needs to break and you need to look away,

Thoughts are like the leaves, they need to change,

Because when you look up, your reflection can smile,

Let it breath again and move to the next life. 

Water to Stone

there is no limit to how much you can feel

there is no scale to weigh your pain

no colors to paint a picture of your dreams

no words to describe the storm rising inside

as it grows from the seeds you sow

as it blooms and sways when you move

let these feelings take you with the flow

just give in and embrace your new soul

sometimes it will feel heavy in your heart

sometimes you will float beyond the clouds

there is magic in this joy and sorrow

because anything is better than bieng hollow

there is no right or wrong

there is no bad or good

just a presence you need to hold

take a look and let it go.

Lessons in life, Love thy self

I need to keep my business my business

I need to stop the word vomit

I need to understand a pause, a second

I need to recognize an enemy from a friend.

Some things are harder than I anticipate

Some are easy so I look for trouble

There is no right or wrong

No one better or below.

No one judging except those inner voices

Chastise myself while I question others

Birthing a redundant guilty conscience 

For things that don't even matter. 

If I feel it I need to do it

If I do it I need to accept it

Not look for validation because I doubt it

Maybe a friendly opinion, but that's about it.

But all these are just outwardly rhetorics

They are all cures not precautions

Following my feelings isn't just enough

I need to believe in them without judgement.

Star dust

I ask myself

Do I feel driven?

Am I just standing in shallow waters?

Have I only dug two feet deep?

Have I looked deep within?

How long do I sit in silence just searching?

When do I reach the star dust we are made of?

They said it was in our atoms

They said we will find the answers

What we are about

But I'm only more confused

I'm only more lost

Do I need to go further?

Do I swim in deeper waters?

Do I need to go ten feet under?

Is the silence more distracting?

Is it more empty inside than the outside?

They said this world is mad

They said we doubt ourselves

We will never really know who we are

We are not really whole

There is no deeper purpose

We are just simply here today

Tomorrow we will just be star dust.