bipolar x 10

My face changes,

My smile changes,

My mood changes,

My mind changes,

My blood changes,

My soul changes.

all this time? always.

Those blue green eyes never leave,

The memories don't fade away,

It's a full payment to my pain,

A prayer that you would come home. 

There are words in this wind tonight,

Pleading me to look at the swinging lights,

Somewhere I've found compassion for my soul,

Placed a hand on my heart chanting 'no more'.

I have had conversations with myself,

I've tried to break away from within,

I've tried to reason with the anxiety,

Unfortunately it's found a home.

I'll rationalize till it's infuriating,

I'll clutch my chest and scream it out,

I'll let my eyes burn from tears till I'm blind,

But I won't stop grieving till I'm fine.

I'll cut out this piece from my body's soul,

No i won't preserve it but simply let it rot,

I'll bury it underneath one of the autumn trees,

Where you and I had our last moment of peace. 

hitting a little small

Today after I woke up I went for a walk,

I stepped on a stone, the pointy end up,

Today while i got off my bike,

My coat pocket got stuck and ripped,

Today while I looked up at the sunny sky,

A bird decided that my face was it's business,

Today when i tried to laugh again,

The mirror decided to cry and fog up.

Soulplay

I'm a hundred people in one,

No, maybe a thousand at war,

Together we internalize and reflect,

Appearances and fitfull exits,

Taking forms and filling roles,

Not just alter egos but cordial souls,

Polite and accepting of each other,

Prattling scripted lines like defeated poets,

colors brilliant under the spotlight,

Purposes neither wrong nor right.

love-1, I-0

I'm not in love with the man,

I'm in love with the story,

I'm in love with the idea,

I'm in love with a lie. 

It's not romance or affection,

It's not passion or lust, 

It's merely a sense of belonging,

A sense of closeness.

It's that one long moment,

It's where the feelings live,

It's the same place of blooming,

It's the same place of dying. 

Defeated

I still loved you with all my heart,

And I was looking for a way back,

But I'd to turn around and walk away,

I complicated my life while i was away.

There are things that I've done,

You deserved more than this burden,

Everything together became solid walls,

rooms with no doors, spaces with no lights.

Learnt to keep my head down,

Reassuring myself each day every second,

There's always some contempt and shame,

But mostly it's just guilt and regret.

There are souls i need to carry within,

Restless souls, tired souls, dull souls,

Hoping they never get out into the world,

Keeping me hostage and keeping me cold.

what died

I'll find a field 

get lost between the tall grass

I'll cry a river 

And I'll let myself drown in it 

hold my breath under water

Maybe wait seconds to be pulled out

I might forget the way back

Maybe it's better down here after all

I'll let myself suffer

Find some dark joy in gasping for air

Maybe I'll learn to live here

Let things grow around me

Learn to live in this cold scape

But always be aware of the light i won't find.

please meet me after 5 years

I screwed up,

I know it when I look down at my half eaten plate of pasta,

I know it when I get my coffee at work,

I know it when I'm dancing with my friends,

I know it when i look at the books in my shelf,

I know it when I listen to those songs we played in your car,

I know it when I watch that movie we wore out,

I know it when I accidentally look at old pictures,

I know it in some words and in some actions,

I feel it when it's been too long since i heard your voice,

I feel it when I'm in a crowd and still feel lonely,

I feel it in the hidden places I still keep secret,

I feel it in the secrets i still keep in hidden places.

I know I screwed up,

So once in a while i let the tears take away all this knowing,

Once a while it leaves just a soul with it's spirit lost,

Till the heart finds excuses in this false strength.

simply Life

Life is a journey, isn't it?

Walking the talk, talking the walk,

A life within a Life, guiding you,

A light within darkness, breaking through,

A play with all the actors who forgot their lines,

A spectacle to be laughed at and wept for,

Lost in this complete chaos,

Uncontrollable, incorruptible,

Flow with the flow, fly with the wind,

Control is an illusion, it's a tease,

What you want, can't be found,

What you need, is just around,

Love burns but isn't fatal,

Erratic rainbows make it better,

Just look up and then within,

All you need is your love on your sleeve,

Bleeding through your soul,

Satisfying and filling your lungs,

Loneliness might be the villain,

But in the end heroes always win. 

mother once said: versions

My mother once said, "You will know child,

the chaos and the loneliness of this world,

the only difference between you and I will be,

that you will have the power to forget it."

I didn't understand the meaning of those words until this moment. It was about forgetting each version of myself, everything between dying and rebirth, only remembering the drowning.

help me

Help me slow down like you did before,

Help me stop, look around, and breath. 

home

I just want to come home,

Let me come home. 

moon cycle

The love and the pain returns,

Just like this moon cycle,

Where i want to call out your name,

And tell you how much i need you,

How much i want you,

How much i love you. 

the lines

Where do you draw the line? 

When you feel you are at the wrong?

Or when you feel they are more at fault?

And then, when are you allowed to change?

There has to be a line. 

animal

Animals that surround me,

vessels of day and night,

brewing with life and wonder,

leaving us clues to follow,

I feel their beat and their lust,

I feel their heat and their thirst,

Animals everywhere with their humming,

consciously connecting and scheming,

wanting nothing and loving even less,

reminding me that I'm one of them,

as the dawn sets in and they forget,

who is missing and who is dead,

because this morning is for prayers,

for small mercies and for lovers,

exiting our catacombs of a sordid past,

absolving this life and turn it to dust,

purifying us so we live no more lies,

everything ends and everything dies.

evening I'll not forget

As i sit here now,

staring into these fine threads of my sleeve,

that does not carry any heart,

reliving that evening i can't forget,

when I was volcano ready to erupt, 

that flowed with anger and agitation,

to be disturbed by the ground,

the ground we stood on,

waiting to be pushed to the edge,

at the brink of my word vomit,

filled with revelation and truth,

filled with pain and hurt,

as I hoped to let him down,

to let him go with kindness,

but I didn't want to cause hurt,

to burn him with my estranged love, 

looking for other ways to break us,

panicking as the world melted away,

flowing through our fingers,

piercing those blue and green eyes,

the blue and green became black,

as the tears tried to extinguish the fire around,

as the hands tried to find a holding,

as the words tried make their way home,

as we both became breathless,

just like now as I gasp for air,

the pain within the punishment,

the guilt within the shame,

the love within the longing.

unlove thyself

"You don't love yourself"

"Yes i don't 'love' myself,

at least not in the entirety of the word,

there are parts of me that are unlovable,

they are not bad or evil, just unlovable

and that's ok.

Because i accept myself,

I know my truth now,

I understand my soul and it's color,

I know how it changes every second,

I know what parts ache and yearn,

I understand the restlessness,

I breath through the fatigue.

So yes, i don't love myself,

Because it will keep me from growing,

It might even keep me from learning,

the thrill of the unknown will remain unknown,

Just like on the outside,

The insides need a hollowness,

A space where there is absence of love,

Because it's where courage thrives,

And acceptance grows like a tree,

Of who i really am,

And that's someone who doesn't love herself,

at least not selflessly or unconditionally,

And that's ok."

pain

Pain is restless,

It is comes only when invited,

and invitations are not always deliberate.

Sometimes pain swells up in waves,

sometimes it's a sudden spasm in the chest,

of overwhelming proportions,

that makes us look away and wonder,

why does it torture us when the sun is out,

when the birds sing and the wind provokes.

But it still stops us right in our tracks,

floods the mind with memories once forgotten,

beauty dies while the soul comes forth.

Pain is merciless,

it taps your shoulder while you least expect,

while expectations are the highest,

it reminds us of impermanence,

that only fools believe in happiness.

Pain is constant,

a companion for eternity,

one we carry in our chests and still smile,

to separate the light from the darkness,

to love harder and breathe a little slower. 

Pain is us,

it's in the birds we looked away from,

it's in the sunshine we hide away from,

it's in the wind whispering that it knows you,

it's you and me and all the lives between us.