animal

Animals that surround me,

vessels of day and night,

brewing with life and wonder,

leaving us clues to follow,

I feel their beat and their lust,

I feel their heat and their thirst,

Animals everywhere with their humming,

consciously connecting and scheming,

wanting nothing and loving even less,

reminding me that I'm one of them,

as the dawn sets in and they forget,

who is missing and who is dead,

because this morning is for prayers,

for small mercies and for lovers,

exiting our catacombs of a sordid past,

absolving this life and turn it to dust,

purifying us so we live no more lies,

everything ends and everything dies.

evening I'll not forget

As i sit here now,

staring into these fine threads of my sleeve,

that does not carry any heart,

reliving that evening i can't forget,

when I was volcano ready to erupt, 

that flowed with anger and agitation,

to be disturbed by the ground,

the ground we stood on,

waiting to be pushed to the edge,

at the brink of my word vomit,

filled with revelation and truth,

filled with pain and hurt,

as I hoped to let him down,

to let him go with kindness,

but I didn't want to cause hurt,

to burn him with my estranged love, 

looking for other ways to break us,

panicking as the world melted away,

flowing through our fingers,

piercing those blue and green eyes,

the blue and green became black,

as the tears tried to extinguish the fire around,

as the hands tried to find a holding,

as the words tried make their way home,

as we both became breathless,

just like now as I gasp for air,

the pain within the punishment,

the guilt within the shame,

the love within the longing.

unlove thyself

"You don't love yourself"

"Yes i don't 'love' myself,

at least not in the entirety of the word,

there are parts of me that are unlovable,

they are not bad or evil, just unlovable

and that's ok.

Because i accept myself,

I know my truth now,

I understand my soul and it's color,

I know how it changes every second,

I know what parts ache and yearn,

I understand the restlessness,

I breath through the fatigue.

So yes, i don't love myself,

Because it will keep me from growing,

It might even keep me from learning,

the thrill of the unknown will remain unknown,

Just like on the outside,

The insides need a hollowness,

A space where there is absence of love,

Because it's where courage thrives,

And acceptance grows like a tree,

Of who i really am,

And that's someone who doesn't love herself,

at least not selflessly or unconditionally,

And that's ok."